


This isn't how I wanted us to be

by kingsoup



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: M/M, this is a direct spoiler and im feeling heartbroken over it but i dont know what to do to fix it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-25
Updated: 2018-03-25
Packaged: 2019-04-07 20:14:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14088804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kingsoup/pseuds/kingsoup
Summary: two second glance at what Newt mightve been thinkin when Hermann told him about the nightmares





	This isn't how I wanted us to be

_“I still have nightmares.”_

 

The words hit Newt like the realization one has when they are drowning - a sudden recognition that you can’t breathe followed by inescapable terror. He licks his lips and tries to swallow air; he cannot show Hermann he is drowning. Newt’s mind is a cacophony of emotions and he doesn’t think he can navigate any of them. What does he say to that? What _can_ he say? He knows what he wants to say: _me too, I’m so sorry I caused this, you can tell me about them, you won’t have them so bad if we could just hold each other through them_ , and most importantly _God, I know, I’m still afraid of them as well._

He wants so fucking badly to just walk over to Hermann, the man he loves so deeply that the thought of losing him is the only thing worse than these urges he has succumbed to, and hold his hand like they used to. He knows he doesn’t deserve to, but if he could, he’d wrap his arms tightly around him and never let go - he never wanted to let go in the first place.

 

But he doesn’t. They won’t let him. They hiss and scream and fight against him to the rhythm of his heart, pushing against his skin and strangling the words in his mouth. All he can manage to respond with is a sick grin and, “yeah, but it was a hell of a thrill.”

 

He hates what he says and what he has become, but he has never hated himself more than when he sees the look of disappointment deep in Hermann’s face and knotted in the crease of his eyebrows. It isn't him saying these words but he feels responsible for letting Hermann down, so he looks away. He doesn't deserve to stay here with Hermann any longer than he already has; he lost the right to do that the moment he left the first time, and he'd be surprised if Hermann even wanted him to stay at this point. 

**Author's Note:**

> IM UPSET!!!! im yelling abt this on twitter @gaybeekeeper pls yell with me


End file.
